


natasha romanoff based instagram story stories

by romanovanoff



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Battle of New York (Marvel), Battle of Wakanda (Avengers: Infinity War), Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Dream Story, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Clint Barton, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Multi, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Natasha dying, Natasha is not alone, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Natasha Romanov, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad, Sad AU, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Wakanda (Marvel), just once, normal bruce banner, over and over again, steve is a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:47:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24446065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanovanoff/pseuds/romanovanoff
Summary: basically snippets and oneshots i originally posted on my instagram stories. so most of these will be short. none of them are related to the others. and almost all of them are related to endgame or nat being sad or alone or dying or yeah. some are just her dealing with her own inner problems and conflicts. hope you enjoy :,D sorry for any mistakes or misspells!
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Kudos: 25





	1. tesseract

She could feel the energy, covering her skin and delving into her soul. Calling to her, and trying to pull her in. Her hands are hot, burning as she holds the golden spear, Tesseract energy glowing and pulsing at the end of it. “I can close it!“ She calls out, spear ready to pierce the reactor, ready to put this war with the Chitauri to an end. “I can close the portal!“

Cap turns away from the chaos, finger to the comms link in his ear, “Close it!“ He orders. After some crackling Tony’s voice comes in. The weight of the nuke is heavy in his arms as he tries to redirect it. He tells them no. There was a nuke issued and he knew just the right place to put it. They all knew the meaning of this. He might not make it out if he goes in there.

She watches from her spot on Stark tower. Getting increasingly tired the more she had to hold her place with the spear. Close to touching the center of the reactor and ready to just end this all. She has to hold back. The blue energy is trying to fight back, climbing up her hands in a desperate attempt to survive, unknowing that they would live forever. She holds back a shriek because it burns. So cold, so strong. It feels like a thousand cold buckets of water were being thrown at her, making her skin tighten and rip. Bones cold and frozen until they snap.

“Oh, God!” She screams, unable to hold back this time. She was being unmade, in the worst way possible. Her body is breaking but somehow – somehow she still held her place, fingers gripping the spear so tightly her fingers crack.

Tony gets distracted. For just a split second he loses his grip on the nuke. That’s all it took. All that was needed for the bomb to go straight into Stark Tower and... explode. Everything and everyone got disintegrated. The whole island of Manhattan wiped completely clean, buildings nothing but dust on the ground.

The portal closes- from the other side. The chitauri didn’t want to destroy a place that was already destroyed, their job was done. The avengers. They were all gone, except for one.

Natasha… Who screams continued to pierce through the emptiness that was Manhattan. She fell to her knees, the rubble and glass beneath her no bother. And everything went quiet. Her chest heaved, and her red curls stuck to her sweaty skin. She was soon filled with peace. Her body healed and all the pain faded away into nothingness. Her eyes glowed bright blue and in just a second she was gone. Disappeared. Off the face of the earth.

Breaths even and pulse stable, she looked up. Space was all she could see, for miles and miles and miles. Stars and galaxies filled her vision and she was in awe. It was beautiful. “Welcome, my child,” Came a voice to her right. She slowly looked over, seeing a large man in the darkness. Shining eyes watching her as he stood.

“Who are you?” She choked out. 

“Thanos.”


	2. dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha's way of dealing with her demons

It wasn’t really uncommon to find Natasha down in the training room so early in the morning. But nightmares are always a constant and the only way to help was to fight her demons away. Or sometimes… dance them away. If a nightmare was especially hard that night she spent hours upon hours dancing. She’d spend hours leaping and twirling, till her toes were numb, raw and bleeding. Hours repeating the same routines and choreography that she had learned so many years ago, ones she thought were forgotten but were easily picked up the moment the familiar music reached her ears. She danced until the images in her head were all gone and her mind was once again peacefully blank.


	3. thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha gets lost in thought, the battle of wakanda still plaguing her mind.

The shots echoed throughout the small facility, reminding whoever was left of the avengers to not go near the shooting range. Silence was filled in between the sounds of each round from the gun she held and a light sheen of sweat coated her skin, giving her a somewhat glow from the sun that threatened to peek over the surface of the lake in the distance. Each of the targets went down in a matter of seconds, the practiced use of the gun instilled into her for years. After the events in Wakanda, no one has been the same. Everyone mourns in a way that hasn’t been done before, even the redhead who spent years proudly creating a persona who wasn’t bothered by death. But this. This was just too much. The breaking point to her already cracked mask.

She’s lost too much. Friends who by now she considered family. People she’s grown to love and laugh with. All… gone. Disappeared by simply a snap of someone’s fingers. James was gone. She didn’t realize how much she actually  _ knew _ him until he was gone. Memories and nightmares forcing their way into her head at night, waking her up with choking sobs and gasping breaths. She knew him. They used to be lovers. And she wouldn’t be able to tell him this now that he was gone again.

Clint. She had heard no word from him in almost six years, the longest she’s gone without speaking to him. He was her best friend, and she didn’t know if he was dead or alive. Didn’t know if Laura and the kids were okay. God, she hoped they were okay. She couldn’t live with herself if something happened to them. They were her family and if they…  _ disappeared _ with the snap, like everyone else, Natasha could never forgive herself. It would give her all the more reason to title herself a failure.  _ Failure _ . The Red Room didn’t make or allow failures. But here she was.

“Keep shooting those targets and we won’t have any more for training,” Steve’s voice spoke up, echoing slightly in the room, and effectively breaking her out of her dark thoughts. Taking deep breaths she lowered the arm holding the gun and slowly glanced towards the large window beside the shooting range. The sun was up now, high above the lake. She’s been here longer than usual- without realizing it too.

“Sorry,” She muttered, voice low. “Got lost in my thoughts.”

“Figured,” Steve said back before pausing, pursing his lips before gesturing for her to follow him. “C’mon. Teams made breakfast. Might want to eat before Bruce eats it all,” He joked, getting Natasha to chuckle lightly. He watched as she straightened her back, dropped her gun on the table, and removed the earmuffs before following along behind him.

Nothing would be the same.


	4. rewrite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how it should have went

There was silence. A familiar but completely different silence. The whole world waited with closed eyes and held breaths, wondering if their heroes succeeded or failed them again. Back on the field of Wakanda Natasha looked around quickly, breathing heavily, looking for anything that said they'd lost. Nothing. No fading. No cries. No screaming. Just silence. A calm silence. A peaceful one filled with relief and joy.

James was standing right there, a confused expression on his face as he stared down at his hands. “James!” She cried, rushing over to him as he turned around to face her. “I-I don’t know wh- what happened…” He said, confused. She stood there before him as Bucky continued looking down at his hands. One moment he was disappearing and the next… he was on the field. And therefore his continuous question was,  _ what the hell happened? _

“We saved you. All of you. Brought you back. Y-you’re still alive,” She said breathlessly before quickly pulling him into a hug, causing him to stop his hand staring and to instead embrace her too. She couldn’t hold back her tears once they started. “We won,” Natasha whispered as she reluctantly pulled back. Looking around she found the rest of the team slowly gathering- the ones who disappeared before with matching confused expressions and the others with happy and relieved ones.

Wanda, Vision, Sam, the weird little tree guy. They were all there. “We won,” Steve repeated with the smallest of chuckles. He stood there and ran a hand through his hair, looking around as if he couldn’t believe what just happened. He let out another chuckle, followed by Natasha, Bruce, and then slowly but surely the rest of the team.

Just in the distance, Tony was in his suit, flying and landing on the field. “Friday, what are they doing?” He asked, staring at the group from afar.

“It appears to me that they are laughing,” She answered.

“Huh.”


	5. love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha struggles to accept that she is loved and wanted

She didn’t have the right to choose between two people who weren’t hers, to begin with. Who was she to feel that she belonged, to feel that she was loved. Who was she to believe soft words and promises. Not her.

Steve and James deserved better. Better than a monster like her, better than the liar and killer she was. Just being near them made her heart twist and her hands shake from how hard they were clenched tight. It was clear they wanted her but she couldn’t see that. She couldn’t and wouldn’t allow her selfishness to take over and keep them in her heart.

Better to run away and let them be. That’s what everyone would want anyway, right? No one would care if she disappeared. She’s done it so many times they were used to it by now. Right? If she allowed herself to jump in the line of fire- no one would mourn for her, would they? They would be relieved. Relieved that their problem since the 1930s was finally taken care of. That’s how they would feel.

So Natasha didn’t deserve the happy ending- didn’t deserve to be held when the nightmares became too rough, didn’t deserve the tender touches and kisses from two different but incredibly similar men. She didn’t deserve any of this. She wasn’t made for this. For… feelings... and… love. She was made to kill and she didn’t understand how she could even fit into the equation. It should be just Steve and Bucky- why ruin that with all the red she had.

But.

But at the end of the day, she  _ was _ loved. By the both of them. At the end of the day her company was wanted and she was missed for even the slightest of seconds. At the end of the day, her two soldiers craved her touch and would reach out to her. At the end of the day she belonged and all the thoughts that said otherwise slowly melted away. Laying in between these two warm bodies, after hours of crying out in ecstasy in the arms of her lovers, she forgets all the dark and unpleasant thoughts that crept into her mind. She was loved. By both of them and she loved them back and at the end of the day, nothing was going to change that.


	6. grateful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a letter from natasha to clint

I am grateful to you Clinton Francis Barton. I won’t ever admit it out loud but I truly am. I always lay awake at night- wondering if I was ready to die that night in Budapest. I was in trouble, with a broken heart and soul. A nobody with no true memory of who I was. I didn’t know where to go or where to turn to. Everything that was revealed to me, made me realize all that made me who I am was a lie.

I thought I was ready to die- that there was nothing left for me. But there was. And you showed me that. I know you hate it when I tell you that I am forever in your debt but I truly am- no matter how many times you equaled the score by saving my ass on the field.

You showed me another side to life.

You spent time with me and taught me what it was like to have a friend when everyone around thought me a monster. You laid with me in bed when I was screaming my lungs out when sweat covered every inch of my skin and the demons were hiding in the shadows of my mind.

You showed me what it was like to be happy again. And I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for your trust and for your unconditional love. I’m grateful you put down that arrow when you first faced me. I’m grateful for you always being by my side for the past 20 years and I’m so grateful I can call you my best friend. Thank you, Clint.

- _Nat_


	7. weapon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she understands and knows the truth

“I’m not your friend. I’m not your love. I am nothing to you,” She spoke to him, her voice emotionless and cold.

“Natalia… please… you  _ know _ me,” He pleaded. Something she was unfamiliar with seeing- something that also disgusted her. The great asset, the world's most lethal and deadliest assassin, weeping and pleading for a woman who never existed. She snarled in disgust and pressed her knife tighter against his skin.

There were many emotions on his face- proof he wasn’t the Winter Soldier anymore. Simply a dumb American ex-soldier who thought he fell in love with… the love of his life.  _ Pathetic _ . A failure.

“Not anymore,” She told him simply. There was nothing in her eyes when she made the sharp movement. No reaction, simply doing, Blood sprayed against her face as he choked there on the ground. Blood pooled around him and covered the bottom of her shoes as she stood up, watching as it seeped out of his neck like a waterfall.

She was just a weapon, a tool. And she seemed to be the only one who understood that  _ that _ was all she’ll ever be.


	8. never enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as the title says

“Steve, you barely know the woman. You spend, what? A week or two around her and suddenly you’re in love and planning on getting married and having kids with her?” The frustration was clear in my voice. I let him hear the frustration in my voice. Why couldn’t he just see what was in front of him.  _ Me _ .

The Black Widow has been through every possible life and death scenario out there, has been brought back from the dead, has been shot at, has been through all forms of torture. The Black Widow who was nothing but a weapon, a cold emotionless machine that followed out orders without question. The Black Widow that many feared, that many wanted dead.

The same person who believed love was for children and could barely love a cat, who told Steve Rogers, Captain America, that they loved him. I told him I loved him, and then went and got myself killed. “I’ve known you for years. Years Steve! Does none of that mean anything to you? All we’ve been through, side by side,” My voice goes quiet as I stare at his face, as I see the expression I dreaded.

“I’m sorry, Nat. But I love her…” Was all he said back.

I died… and came back to find out that the man I loved, the man who knew me and I him so intimately, that he no longer loved me. That he was still the same person I met on the helicarrier all those years ago- stuck in the past and unwilling to let go. Even if his friends were here now, even Bucky. His family was here. That’s what we were now. But it still wasn’t enough for him it seemed. It was never enough. I was never  _ enough _ .

A tear slips from my eye as I watch him leave. Not even a goodbye- so blinded he was, trying to reach his goal and wreck everything he had built here since he broke from the ice.


	9. memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clint remembers natasha. a new shield agent with goals and aspirations

_ “Finished with training, evaluations, and endless amounts of interrogation, which I’m sorry about by the way. What are you gonna do now?” Clint asked as he took a seat next to her on the helicarrier, looking on at the view of endless sky. _

_ She was much different now than the girl he captured back in Budapest, so different from the girl who begged to die, screamed at him to just end her life. There was a spark in her eyes now, a certain determination he hasn’t seen before. Her back straightened a bit and she offered him a small smile. “I’m ready to do good for once. Help people instead of hurting them.” Sighing softly she looked back out to the distance. “Whatever it takes to help.” _

“Whatever it takes… huh Nat,” Clint spoke in the abandoned building, his soft-spoken voice even echoing. He stood on top of an even more abandoned helicarrier, at the same spot he was almost 20 years ago. Sitting down on the edge he allowed tears to cloud his vision, breaking down for what felt like the millionth time. 

He couldn't even find it in him to be angry at his best friend. His closest companion. She accomplished the one thing she set out to do. To save others. And she did. Trillions of them.


	10. limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bruce pays nat a visit

“Bruce? That you?” Her voice echoed in this barren place. There was nothing here for miles, besides endless flat water and faded pinkish-orange skies. It was pretty easy to focus on a figure coming her way in the distance. Once said figure got closer her heart skipped a bit. Finally someone familiar. After what felt like forever.

“Nat!” He cried. He was back in his human form, not as half hulk, and his arm looked burned and damaged but he didn’t look distressed by it. Once he reached her they embraced tightly. “H-how… what are you doing here?”  _ Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead. Not like me _ , she repeated in her head.

“Tony made a gauntlet. And… believing I was the strongest there, I used it. I tried to get you back, I really did, with everyone else. But… it didn’t work. Nothing happened. And then it brought me here,” Bruce told her, hands respectfully on her shoulders. “I don’t know how long I got…” There seemed to be a silence between them as he took her in. His past flame, standing before him.

He couldn’t stop the sob from escaping him, and she couldn’t stop the tears that seemed to cloud her vision. “We’re going to miss you… so much. We do miss you so much. Oh, Nat. Why,” He choked out.

She sniffed softly and wiped some of his tears gently with the pad of her thumb. “I had red in my ledger. Something I struggled having for years. This was the only way to wipe it out. The only way to help get the stone. By saving trillions of people and aliens and all kinds of animals. Clint has a family, a family that needs him- not saying no one needs me either but… I’d make the sacrifice play again if it meant bringing those kids their father back in one piece.”

Taking a shaky breath Natasha looked away and out into the distance. “Bruce… don’t give me a funeral. I don’t want people being sad for me. Don’t want them crying or mourning. Do something else. Drink for me or something. Throw a party,” She said with a smile as she looked back to him. “Tell them I love them. All of you guys.”

She couldn’t say anything else before he started fading right there- but the look in his eyes told her he would tell them what she told him. He will do what she said. She smiled one last time before he was gone, and she was once again left alone.


	11. lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha struggles to accept that her life is a lie

SHIELD was HYDRA. From the very beginning. She never had a choice, did she? The moment she believed she could make her own choices, leaving the Red Room and the KGB, joining SHIELD. Choices she believed sculpted her into part of the person she was today. All of that was never really hers to make. HYDRA had been hiding in SHIELD for years and she was literally trading in the bad guys for the bad guys.

HYDRA believed that they could use her skills and planned her recruitment from the beginning. She was sent on good missions, the ones that saved people and allowed her to believe she was doing good at the end of the day, but other times they pulled her aside and sent her on missions that involved murdering people that needed to be scratched off of HYDRAs long list.

And when all was done they’d wipe her mind, give her a new memory, and give her an automatic response to questions. “It’s confidential, Clint. You know this.” It made finding out the truth that much more disturbing and heartbreaking. How much of her mind was hers? And how much of it was in fact HYDRAs or the Red Rooms to play with however way they felt it should?

It just made the road to figuring out her own mind that much more difficult and winding, with bumps and dead ends. Every day since the Washington incident she’d live in fear, wondering when was the day she’d trigger some hidden programming and go on a killing rampage. She’d wonder with fear if the life she was living now was real or just another lie crafted by that evil organization.


	12. forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha lives through her worst nightmare down in vormir

_ So alone. Why did they have to leave her, abandon her. Here she was, the last of the Avengers, the group she’s been a part of for the past eight or so years, on and off. Her friends, these people she thought were friends, just slowly disappeared, away from the compound and never to be heard of again in the coming months. A goodbye, a hug, and that was it. _

_ She couldn’t find it in her to leave this place. The compound. It hurts her soul just thinking about it and it pains her, even more, walking down the now lonely and empty halls. She remembers those who faded, blipped by Thanos’s snap, and constantly imagined them doing their normal tasks here. Always saw shadows and ghosts of what once was. And as much as it hurt she still couldn’t bring herself to leave this place like everyone else. _

_ It’s been two years now and it’s hard to even remember if she had any friends in the first place. No one visited. Not one soul. Not even any check-ins from Carol, Rhodey, Okoye, or Rocket. Four people who promised to check-in. Abandoned. Left with the idea to fix this massive problem. They’re not coming back. _

_ God, she was so alone. How could they do this to her? She was close with everyone on the team, made sure to create some sort of bond with them, and this is how she’s repaid. She’s never been one to cry but in the privacy of this empty compound, she allowed her tears to fall. She wished she was blipped, she wished Clint didn’t make a different call, she wished Red Room decided she wasn’t so useful and discarded her all those years ago. _

_ Two years turned to three, three turned to four, and four turned to five. Time seemed to blur together and everything outside of the world seemed meaningless as she spent her time inside. She had everything she needed. A lifetime supply of food and water, working power, and a gym to work out her frustration. _

_ This was no way to live. She didn’t want to do it anymore. But just as she all those years ago before Clint found her, she was just too of a coward to end it all. Eyes closed and soft sobs escaping her she cried herself to sleep. _

Arms wrapped around her, carrying her away from the cold bottom floor of the cliff in Vormir. Then she was taken up, wind blowing harshly against her sleeping face, a tear or two leaking from her closed eyes as she dreamt her worst nightmare. To be  _ forgotten _ .

A beep. Beeping. An annoying beeping brought her to consciousness. It took a while but eventually, her eyes followed suit and fluttered open. She was greeted by many faces, standing all around the bed she rested on and gazing down at her with either worried looks or happy and relieved ones.

The memories hit her like a train. Her eyes squeezed shut as a harsh gasp escaped her. Hands were on her shoulders, what was supposed to be a calm voice speaking but only resulted in sounding panic. She was falling, the sacrifice, for trillions of lives. Falling. Clint’s face.  _ It’s okay,  _ _ let me go. It’s okay. _ Space travel. She wasn’t alone. She had her whole family, the Avengers. They were here, with her the whole time. She wasn’t alone.

“You’re not alone,” A female voice spoke.  _ Wanda _ . Almost the same thing the redhead said back in Wakanda before she took on Thanos’s minions.

Natasha’s eyes flew open as she stared at the Sokovian. She was here, alive. Her eyes flickered to the others and a shaky long breath escaped her. “I’m not alone,” She whispered.


	13. watch me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a carefree natasha and an unamused clint

It was only two words. That’s all it took. And oh how Clint hated it.

The year was 2025. Two years after the vents in Vormir and the final fight against Thanos and his army. Two years since they’ve lost close people they loved. Tony to his own snap, Two years since Natasha practically came back from the dead only a couple of months later. The team didn’t know how and the redhead still refuses to this day to explain.

The two ex-assassins were standing on the edge of a bridge, a cord around the redhead. Natasha had dragged him out here, said she wanted to take him on a journey, or some bullshit. Anything to drag him out of bed. He didn’t know it was a popular bungee jumping location. It was open to the public and all you had to do was attach yourself before jumping over. The water below was pretty deep, and if someone fell into it all they’d receive would be a harsh burn for a short couple of days. So all in all it was actually safe. Unless the cord snapped and you didn’t know how to swim of course.

“Nat. Nat, what’re you doing? That’s not safe,” The archer told her as he watched her pull the straps around both of her ankles and legs, making sure the whole cord was secure.

“Sure it is,” She said with a wicked grin, climbing over the edge with the skills only a professional gymnast would be able to do with both legs bound. Standing on top of the railing she faced him, back turned away from where she was to jump. “You can’t be serious, are you?” He asked, unamused.

“Watch me. I’ve done it once, I can do it again.”

He barely had the chance to speak before she was tipping backward, falling over the edge with a happy shriek. “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO JOKE ABOUT YOUR OWN DEATH,” He screamed, watching as she bounced, hair touching the water for a second before she was brought back up, laughing all the while.


	14. mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve regrets his actions, knowing he was living his best life while two souls suffered somewhere in the world

_Put your head on my shoulder  
Hold me in your arms, baby  
Squeeze me oh-so-tight  
Show me that you love me too_

Going back in time seemed like a good idea… at the time. But he’s now realized his mistake. There are things he dreamed about, dreamed about his whole life really. Find a beautiful dame, marry her, have an even more beautiful life with her. Even have maybe 2 or 3 kids running around their quaint house in Brooklyn. But it could never be that easy, could it.

He felt so stupid, so blindsided when he left. Disappeared back into time without a word or so much as a goodbye to the rest of his friends. He laid most days awake at night, Peggy by his side, a smile curling her lips as she dreamed something peaceful. Meanwhile, his mind was going a hundred miles a minute. 

Out there in the world, somewhere out there, his best friend was suffering. Bucky was out there being tortured and forced into that horrible chair, wiped of memories and made into a mindless killer.

Somewhere in the world, probably the same place as Bucky, there was a redheaded woman being groomed and made into an emotionless weapon. _Natasha._ She told him everything about her past, trusted him enough to reveal everything about her. More than anyone else, _even Clint_ , she had once told him. His heart hurt thinking about her. He didn’t even give himself time to mourn for her, didn’t wait to see if they even planned a funeral for her. Probably not. He hadn’t seen anything after Tony's funeral.

It was her death that was part of the reason he left the way he did. He couldn’t stand the feeling of just _living_ and not having his partner by his side, his equal, his best friend. He’s known her for what? _12 years_. And as much as he hated to admit it, that bond was stronger than the one he had with Peggy. He’s just known Nat longer. And it hurt so much to know that bond was broken.

He thinks though, that maybe the thought of having his two best friends, out there and suffering and in pain, hurts him more than anything ever could. Cause who was he to decide to live a happy life, and just let his friends suffer? Who was he to rewind history and force them to go through hell _again_ . He had no right to do that to them, and to everyone else out there, just so he could be happy. It just… didn’t sit right with him and now he couldn’t even do anything about it. He was stuck in this time. It’s exactly what he wanted, _right_? Then why the hell couldn't he just be happy.

All he could really do is apologize in his head. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry._ And hope that their screams could quiet down enough to let him sleep.

_Put your head on my shoulder  
Whisper in my ear, baby  
Words I want to hear  
Tell me, tell me that you love me too _


	15. dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based off 'everything i wanted' by billie eilish

Natasha looked up, bubbles escaping her parted lips as she watched the light dim above the water. The world was cruel. No one cared for her, leaving her out there to fend for herself. Ever since she was born she was nothing but a pawn in their sick games. She couldn’t cry, couldn’t plead or beg. They wouldn’t care anyway.

Pain was a familiar feeling. An ache deep in her chest that never went away. The tightness in the back of her throat as tears threatened to well up in her eyes. Rejected. Abandoned. Looked on as a weapon to be used, or a piece of meat ready to be feasted on with no consent on her part. Watching on as she suffered. This was her way of life. No one cared.

A body crashed down into the water, arms wrapping around her but not pulling her up. She couldn’t be saved. And he understood that more than anyone. The once was enough. There are no second chances. Rather than try again, he joined her down the long descent into the abyss.

He was like her personal bubble, always trying so hard to keep the pain away. Tried so hard… It wasn’t good enough but she appreciated it anyway. The thought counted greatly. He cared. Sometimes she’d dream, a better life perhaps. Those dreams were always ruined, turned into nightmares but when she woke up he was always there.

They both looked up as the light disappeared, the last of their air slipping away and the darkness slowly consuming them. Everything she wanted was right here.


	16. abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two teenagers are forced to accept that they might never see their mother again

"This is your room," A kid told them. He was chubby and short, wearing some t-shirt with the most serious expression on his face. It was weird to see such a kid being so serious, instead of laughing and playing with his friends. He speaks only to Natasha as if the person behind her didn't deserve to be recognized as a-- well _person_. It makes Nat internally tick. Because the person behind her was smart, intelligent. So very intelligent, and no one knew because they only assumed he was what they saw. A _retard_. The word makes her gag and want to punch the person who said it, no matter the age. They were ignorant and deserved the power behind her fists.

The kid leaves and Natasha takes Clint's hand-- the person behind her. He follows obediently, not cause he's been brainwashed or anything, or because he was too stupid to walk himself, but because he _trusts_ her. Trusts her to take care of him and to lead them both in the right direction. A brother-sister bond that no one would ever understand. They weren't even sure how they got here. They just-- _woke up_. It was all confusing still and Natasha just wondered where the hell their mom was. Did she abandon her two children? Did she just snap and suddenly give up, throw the retard away, and leave the sister with him? She shook her head, _no_. No, she wouldn't do that. She was too _caring_ , too _loving_. She loves us, she thought to herself. She did. She would never commit such a crime as to give her only children away.

"Where's mama?" She heard Clint mumble behind her as she walked into the room. He stood in the doorway, leaning side to side nervously. His arms constantly folded and unfolded as his eyes looked over everything before landing on Natasha. "I don't know baby bird," She said honestly, shrugging both shoulders, looking as lost as he. He simply nodded back and walked inside. Very intelligent, Nat thought as she watched him start organizing the room. Arranging and rearranging the two twin size beds and the desks this place provided them.

He made it look like their own room looked back home. It made her smile brightly, which then in turn caused him to smile goofily back.

This place was weird. Children laughed and ran around. Parents did what they did and parented them. Everyone looked at them as if they were outsiders, and they were. But they always wondered why these two strangers were in their house, and never did a thing about it, as if they were forced to just leave the situation alone and allow the two to do what they want. Besides leave. The doors were always locked, shades always closed and they were practically segregated into their room. But it was okay, they told themselves. They laughed, they joked, they had their usual conversations as they waited for time to pass by.

It might've been at least two months since the two siblings were stuck living in this strange house. Everything was the same. Nothing has changed at all since they were placed here. They were still looked at strangely and were never really spoken to by the other children and adults. Well except for that one boy, he talked to Natasha, but only to really tell her rules that weren't really necessary. Don't go into the other rooms- she wasn't planning to. Don't wear other people's shoes- she had her own so _no thanks_. He was just the average annoying kid. She made sure Clint was kept busy drawing or doing something whenever the kid decided to barge in. They had been told an hour ago that they were switching rooms. All their stuff apparently was already moved and all they needed to do was walk. After readjusting a few things Clint got started on a drawing he had been working on. _Art_ , her mind provided her. Beautiful, _beautiful_ art that if she looked at it too long tears actually clouded her vision. "Beautiful as always baby bird. I'm going to get some food for us, be right back," She said before kissing the top of his head.

The room was beside this large staircase that then led to the front door and the kitchen that was off to the side. The adults were standing and conversing at the bottom of the stairs. She debated whether she really wanted to go to the kitchen now. Eventually, she sighed and took the steps down one by one. _Clint hasn't eaten since breakfast_ , she told herself. She was merely a teenager, around 16 to 17 years old. So it was pretty terrifying to see these adults towering so high over her. Not even speaking, just _staring_ down at her. Her eyes flickered to the front door and the windows. Unlocked and the blinds for once were open, she could see out. And the first thing she sees is a blue car driving by in the distance, on another street. She didn't think much of it, that was her _mom_. It had to be. She opened the door and sprinted out of there. And just as expected she heard her name being screeched. Turning her head around as she ran she could see Clint sprinted after her. He'd always been faster and caught up to her. "Look at that Clint!" She cheered, pointing to the blue car. "It's mama's car!" He finished with a big smile, the sunlight on his face showing just how truly happy this made him. He grabbed her hand and sped up while she tried to follow the best she could with a laugh. The car was going semi-fast so they really had to run to just keep the vehicle in their sights.

Their _laughter_ and their _happiness_ , and their _eagerness_ to finally see their mom again were what fueled them for several more blocks. The car eventually pulled to a stop when there was a red light. Finally. Finally! They caught up to the car. The car that looked identical to their mother's car. Natasha rushed to the passenger side and opened the door... only to find _not_ mom, but a _man_. The car reeked of weed and cigarettes, at least a year's worth and he had a beard and a blue beanie. She didn't say anything as she slammed the door shut. Didn't say anything as she looked up to find Clint nervously shuffling his feet and staring at her. "It's not mama is it," He choked out, tears starting to stream down his cheeks. Natasha cried along with him, "No baby bird," She choked out herself before quickly pulling him into a hug as his knees buckled. They cried right there, sobs after sobs raking through them on the side of the road. Seemed the world was strange. No one looked their way, no one wondered why there were two lost teenagers crying on the sidewalk. _Nothing_.

Huddled close together as they cried they didn't notice another blue car drive by. Inside, a mother was crying as she tried to come to terms that she'd never see her kids again.

And on the table inside the strange house, inside their room, was Clint's unfinished drawing. A realistic drawing of Clint and Natasha holding hands, smiling brightly. On the other side of Clint, he was holding hands with an outline of a woman, nothing more. As if the world knew-- _that they wouldn't find her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is based off a dream i had back in 2018. it was originally about me and my brother (just to mention whom of which is not actually mentally disabled). i had actually woke up crying, told my mom in front of my grandma and then cried even more. having it so fresh on my mind i had to write it down. and for the purpose of making it a story with characters people love i changed me and my brother to natasha and clint.


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